even when
joey and i have intermittent talks, flow of consciousness, about isaiah. during one i said it would be nice to have isaiah here to hug, that it was hard to never see him, and he said, "yeah, i wished he wasn't dying even when he was dying." he paused and followed with, "but that doesn't make any sense." oh my child, it makes the most sense.
i have been running of late, and taking joey with me, part of joe and i valuing our separate grieving. we have been camping and fishing. catching fish and learning to fillet and cook them, eating them and feeling normal: this is life. visiting my grandmother, who has lost her husband and her youngest son, and who had the gift to say, as i teared up, "you can't talk about him now, and that's normal," absolving me of feeling like i had to talk. driving to the border of quebec to spend a week in a cottage on a clear lake with my sister and her family. coming home to reacquaint ourselves with joe. joey playing and joe working and i fumble in this house that held four, and three seems so small. and mostly i am still me, poor at phone calls, ravenous at reading, finding beauty and being changed. i am glad isaiah is no longer in pain, but i can not say that it eases my missing.
posted by Jen @ 7:56 PM
7 Comments:
and somehow the broken heart gets sewn back together. and the scars still hurt and often are ripped open to let out a little more blood. but the sewing -- however uneven, however tightly or loosely -- continues. and we hold our hearts carefully showing them to others and asking, "please be gentle with me."
i'll fumble with you.
kst
Keeping busy - spending time with Joey - trying to keep communications with Joe open and living day by day can not alleviate the pain of missing, aching, and trying to rebuild a house for three when four was so much better Hopefully folks understand and intuit when to speak and when to let the gap in a converstion ease by without intruding. Not alone in feeling bereft - not alone in wondering why - not alone in struggling to accept - but the group hugs will wait and the open sore will perhaps heal. The pain may lessen in time though the scar over the open wound will continue to remind all that Isaiah has marked us - has completed a family, has offered his own special love that can be renewed only in sweet memories. Courage, suffering Jen,dear Joe and wondering Joey - your hands are held tightly by those who love you - not least by the one who continues to be with you in your hurting hearts.
We love you - GGV
it's great to read your words. memories of isaiah flood my mind these days. i think my brain has finally had time to let the reality of it all finally sink in. know that as i feel pain, my thoughts are constantly turned to the three of you as i try to comprehend how you are coping. i miss him deeply..... i don't let these words slip out often to you, but i will allow them from time to time. i pray for peace for all of you. as you fumble through this, know that his absence is felt by all who had the honor of knowing him. we continue to walk with you
love to all
cole
The journey of grief is a long and difficult one - the road is full of pot holes. As you continue your journey know that there is much love and caring to support you during the roughest times. It is difficult to talk about your deceased child but those tears are healing tears. Continue to love and share the memories with each other.
I don't usually sit quietly after reading your posts, usually I have a flury of words to spill out. But today- after a long time away from the board - I sit and wonder if there will ever be an ease of this sadness. I don't know that there will be in the sense that we all would hope for. You yourselves have said it often, that Isaiah fundamentally changed each one of you. I believe that the very thing that makes you miss him so much is what will ease this sadness...that this sadness will change into normal and get less like sadness and more like life and eventually change again into something that you have carried for so long that you will think it an old crazy friend. and that which has also been siad often on this board, time will be the measure of this change...be it long or short. love you a
what was life has been eroded into sand-- but what else
makes the glass of life's continued looking?
I keep reading this and I start to leave a comment then back away not knowing exactly what to say.
I might not have the words to comfort you, I'm not sure if much of anything can be a comfort right now, but I can listen. Whether you want to talk about Isaiah or talk about the weather. Or if you just want to watch the sunset in silence with a bottle of wine, let me know and I'll bring the wine;)
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