How do you do?
When we spent Isaiah's first year in the p.i.c.u., I lived on a diet of Three Musketeers and Diet Coke, with a liberal sprinkling of York Peppermint Patties. Since then, I've matured in my stress-based eating, though there are certain habits I continue to hold in times of anguish. I rock from side to side with my arms crossed when asking questions or contemplating Isaiah's body. I ask not to be touched lest I lose my temporary sense of control. When viable, I look to a glass of good red wine. Then there are those gifts that help lift me out of the stress, if only for a moment. Listening to "You Belong Among the Wildflowers" by Tom Petty, hot tea with an inch of soymilk every morning, humorous and touching words from you. There are others, but these come to mind. On a day with little change on the medical front (changing from 2 to 5 cc/hour on feeds, continuing ventilation), a day when many feast in preparation of fasting, I ask, I invite, how do you do? How do you do stress? What keeps you safe, keeps you sane and what lifts you up? I ask not for your names, but for your words. Let us know that others travel the roads of stress in good, bad and quirky ways.
posted by Jen @ 10:56 AM
31 Comments:
your honesty, humbleness, and grace are beautiful, touching, inspiring, and humbling. i've told you a thousand times that you make me better and stronger -- and i'll say it a thousand times more.
stress: i used to shop, and then i switched to smoothies from ruby juice but they closed. so then i went to mochas but i started tripping on sugars. now, i usually sit and have a good cry, lay in bed sobbing and looking at the tree that sways in our parking pad. i hug joel tightly. he tries to solve it all, so i rage against him and then GOD. but, sometimes when the moment is right, the tears seem to wash enough away so that i can take the next step.
love and blessings to you all.
kst
I think one cannot underestimate the power of donuts. And cigarettes. Not necessarily together, but each with coffee (french vanilla with cream).
1. headpetting, and just david's presence overall
2. laughter: punch drunk, belly-deep laughter
3. a glass of red wine
4. crying, real bonfide weeping
5. poems of rilke & joy harjo
6. walking long distances
7. "wing" by patti smith
8. remembering who i am and how it's not just anybody but me
9. running
these are ways to identify the seams of pain and fear because i most of all need to know it isn't all of who i am. thank you for writing yours jen-alic
Hmm - you present an interesting challenge to search our psyche and find our ways of coping with stress. It is difficult to truly identify with the depth of stress that you face each day. With anger, I resort to tears, with sadness, I try prayers, with anxiety, I do escape reading and, with a combination of stress factors, I clean cupboards, wash clothes, iron, straighten drawers and mend and cry and pray. Mocha is my confort crutch and chocolate comes in second. If I could find comfort in cooking, my spouse would be delighted but it just doesn't do it for me. I guess I depend on friends and family to push or pull as needed. I know I count on love! If ours helps you in any way - know that it is yours in abundance! jan and Joe
I hate to admit this but i clean, eat fritos and dip ,cry a lot then go on to the next thing.call my daughters usually end up laughing with them about something my beloved grandchildren have done! but it passes sooner or later and life goes on . Knowing that there are people that love me just because always gets me through. love you mom
Jen, when we were in Children's Hospital with our daughter for 3+ weeks, I'm not sure I dealt with stress. For me to survive, I had to disconnect emotionally - like you, we were in uncharted waters, so, as a visual person, I simply busied myself with unimportant matters, such as staring at the same page in a magazine for hours, and straightening bed covers, and watching everything and everyone. I guess, in some respects, I tried to focus on the clinical aspects of our daughter's care, rather than the emotional, since that was simply unbearable. Now, 20 years later, I tremble when I think of weeks of chest tubes and pacemaker wires and mottled skin and vents and "cauterizing". Like you seem to have, we had incredible family support and we leaned heavily on them. They cared for our other children, brought them back and forth for visits, prayed, solicited for more prayers, momentarily distracted us, held us....as I'm sure you know. And funny thing is, that is the only, only time in my life that I truly lost my appetite!
I continue to keep Isaiah and your family in my prayers.
you had me at "I look to a glass of good red wine"...it doesn't even need to be "good", or even "wine" for that matter. it could be moonshine but it works like a charm for me everytime.
as for "I ask not to be touched lest I lose my temporary sense of control"...Hmmm, that is why my hugs to you are non-reciprical i guess? learn something new every day.
if you got one chuckle or even a hmmmm, out of that i have done my good deed for the day.
peace, ryan
I find that looking to the Heavens and yelling
"Serenity NOW!!!" ala Frank Costanza from Seinfeld always makes me laugh at the beautiful futility of trying to make things happen on MY time. Plus it gives you the opportunity to be really loud without scaring anyone and everyone knows what you're talking about!
Lynne (Cecilias daughter)
I DON'T DO STRESS!!!! i deal with stress in many ways.level 2 stress requires a nap, because it is the only way to get rid of the migraine. level one stress requires throwing a tennis ball until my arm hurts and laugh as my dogs find such pleasure out of something so simple. i find myself often times out back with a chainsaw, or axe splitting wood for the winter. but lately i've found that so little of my life is actually under my control that i pray for peace of mind and serenity, because when it comes down to it, we will not be given more than we can handle. keep on fighting the good fight and know that i love all of you guys. jim p.s. jen remember the dance contests in the kitchen? i know i got a smile out of that one.
oops sorry for the double post. just acouple more things to bounce off you while i'm back. things not to do mwhen you are stressed. 1. do not run your fingers through you hair. you've seen my hairline. 2.my job requires that i get dirty once in awhile, and there is nothing worse than chewing you fingernails, and then backtracking to figure out what possibly could have left that taste. 3. i used to tap my fingers or my feet, but i've been told by my loving spouse that that is only causing stress for her,which means more stress for me. 4. wine or beer is ok but jack daniels is not. (at least for me) i find myself even more stressed trying to get through the next day sick. raying for the stress to go away and brighter days to come, jim.
Bob Dylan and Jack Daniels.
it seems as though some of us address our stress in similar ways..
dylan old acoustic ballads
tom petty or bob marley at top volume
a long drive
walk in the woods
sit in the woods and cry
make a campfire
nap
wine, wine, wine red or white or in a box
share old stories with a good friend
veg out in front of a movie
eat ice cream
chew off the skin on my fingers
cry & hug
long hot bath
back to bob dylan and repeat
love you! ame
forgot one: grey goose triple dirty, 3 olives
prayer, crying and hugs -- hard when you don't want to touched and people have to respect that. What works for some doesn't work for all. Don't forget family - they want to help and can!!!!
prayer, crying and hugs -- hard when you don't want to touched and people have to respect that. What works for some doesn't work for all. Don't forget family - they want to help and can!!!!
I usually cry and then I pray. Just this Sunday our pastor gave a sermon about Joseph. Sold into slavery by his own family, falsely accused by the king,endured much hardship and emotional turmoil but never gave up and never turned his back on God. I'll never understand why some have so much sorrow and challenges in their lives but I know without a doubt that God does go before you and behind you and will never leave you or forsake you. His words always give me strength when I have none. You remain in our prayers and the prayers of many here in Ohio. Debbie
Holy cow Jen, Lets see, I tend to eat.....anything...cookies (homemade or otherwise) and ice cream are by far tops. But popcorn works,peanut butter on a spoon..only crunchy is also good. Road trips are good also. And making your mom laugh because I'm usually trying to de-stress her :o) But the best is grandkids, they can make you forget all of your troubles with their innocence. Hang in there kiddo.
Dad
I swear!!!
I usually run or exercise, and if Im very stressed, I do it while listening to loud music and holding a margarita.
Love always, Cathy
Jim was right, the finger tapping thing causes more harm than good.
If it's really bad or hurtful or longlasting, I try to remember to drive myself ASAP to the nearest Tabernacle and just sit there and groan and cry and listen. And afterwards, or if that's impractical I try to imagine I am there. If it's not that bad or hurtful or if it's more 'time-limited' I try to remember to drink water instead of eat. "Escape reading" as someone else mentioned - as long as it's completely unrelated to the source of my stress - is great too. I try to remember to put things in perspective, afterall - this isn't the end of the story!
My list:
These days I go to www.armstrongvoss.com for a reality check. Meditation helps, though usually more proactively than reactively. A walk outside. Sleep. Vacation. Bourbon on the rocks. Pint'o'Guiness with a homie at Jaybees down the street. Rhino gospel box set, Testament. And if I'm lucky enough to be at your house at the end of my rope, standing outside on your back porch looking at the stars with Joe.
Joe and Jen:
I think of the "Footprints" meditation when "dark clouds" are on the horizon. I wish I had it here with me, but you've probably seen it.
Someone asks God, "Where were you when I needed you most? You always walked beside me and I could see your footprints next to mine in the sand. Now I see only one set of footprints."
God's answer: "You saw only one set of footprints because it was when you needed me most I was carrying you."
Jack and I pray that you will feel God carrying you and feel His loving arms around you.
Our prayers continue to be with all of you: for strength for both of you, for improving health for Isaiah so that he can come home, for understanding for Joey who's probably a pretty resilient little fellow.
Love from
Jack and Arden Post
i give into stress. generally I call you, my sister, and you let me bounce my crazy thoughts off you. i usually proceed to call my husband and blindside him with tears, or anger. i then hang up, pace around the house, call ryan back and appologize (he is very accustomed to this behavior), and move on. in desperate times i take a bath, have a glass of wine (or 2 or 3), read a book, or eat little debbie snack cakes.
love you
cole
From what I read from this group, there is a fair amount of crying, laughing, music, drinking and sleeping :) (although not necessarily in that order!) As for me I work...adding more stress to what is already there...I figure if I dig myself so deep in stress, that IT will become normal and then I can "cope" by just saying "it is what it is". Life never makes much sense to me and if in the midst of stress (which really is like breathing in and out) I find myself believing in things that faithless people can't figure out...God...and I mean the presence of God in all of us, the ability for God to be our drink, our tears, our laughter, our naps, our music. It does not mean that God is perfect or that the same system of coping will work each time, but I think when faith leads you through it, coping can be finding peace in the stress. Knowing that even calm is a way of God helping you to cope. I love you. a
In times of real stress, I find it helps to talk to a friend(s) who will really listen, who doesn't just say everything's going to be ok, but one who really listens. I hope you know we're all really listening (-:
...and praying
if forgot to mention a few musts in my world.... since the wine is not an option for a few more weeks, I have turned to food. i forgot to mention girl scout cookies.... my garage is full of them right now and yesterday alone I managed to eat an entire box of carmnel delights. one other quick fix is to sneak into Olivia's room and borrow her mp3 player. (she is way cooler than me...) at any rate, i have found that a little dose of shakira always helps. afterwards I am remined that my hips don't lie either, they tell the story of a very pregnant woman who enjoys cookies way too much. cole
hmmm...golf. lifting weights. jack daniels. rage against the machine. playing basketball. be with complete strangers. be with my best friends. be with no one. talk to myself. talk to my wife.
A shower so hot it's almost unbearable, aromatherapy (oils, candles, incense, whatever smells good), a quiet walk, yoga, eating a decadent meal, wine, chocholate, signing at the top of my lungs, more chocolate and a funny movie:)
Chocolate, always chocolate, playing computer games, coming home at the end of the day and stepping into my kitchen can relieve a lot of stress. Remembering those I love and who love me.
Jen:
Apparently you posed some questions we're all acquainted with!!! And now even more so!!
My guess is, though, poet that you are, that you were'nt really looking for answers(although there were some great responses), as much as wanting to know there was a community of family and friends that could "live the questions" with you. The sharing of answers, experience, wisdom, humor, all foster a community of compassion, for sure. But perhaps its more the questions we share that bond us.
Isnt that what our present day prophet and teacher, Isaiah, like his predecessor, is showing us? How to simply live the questions that roam our minds and hearts. And so Isaiah offers us yet another gift, another chance to see, that this incarnation of gentleness, fragile beauty, and unlimited wonderment may yet teach us the meaning of it all.
Thanks Jen, thanks Joe, thanks Isaiah, as we travel down these unknown roads.
cole- i have to agree that a little dose of shakira could melt ALL my stress away jim
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